i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
You Might Also Like
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.