If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Sheep
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.