WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
What
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
6. me as a lawyer
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil