Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches