High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Covid like
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot