*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.