The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Not even remotely sorry.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.