Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Intelligence is the new cleavage
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube