[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?