ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
This will never not be funny 😭
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
😍😂🥰😂😍