[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?