[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
He a real one for that
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A couple who are silly together stay together.