*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.