*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before