Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The happy life.. 😊
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes