Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
i want to work in this restaurant
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”