I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
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Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.