Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)