I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.