Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud