That time Alicia messaged me
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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.