me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did