My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.