Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.