It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
no
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.