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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”