Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!