My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
You Might Also Like
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.