4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
jesus, what did this guy do
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?