carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die