*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Strangers have the best candy.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life