children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.