Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”