[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats