well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.