just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
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Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
What is going on? 😅
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
$4 #usedbooks
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.