Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
no!! no!!!!!!