I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.