im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
The fall of Netflix
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.