14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Ummm
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Worst bar ever.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.