me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
3% human
97% stress
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.