Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
broke down and did it
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.