If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Meowchelangelo
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*