After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.