The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i鈥檓 sayin is, it鈥檚 a good thing they already live at the hospital
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a鈥擺cop walks by & i start sweating]鈥攍ike a law-abiding citizen
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
6: are snakes just neck?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i鈥檓 thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Good dog. 鉂わ笍
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.