[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
house sitting!
Some people were born into their job.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I鈥檝e specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Nothing matters anymore so let鈥檚 bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Kevins first time outside 馃槶 he was absolutely bewildered
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.