ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Sunday
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.