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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up