Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
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i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
These aliens are taking forever.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.