Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You Might Also Like
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.